At DangerLaw, LLC, we are proud to serve underserved communities. As a queer polyamorous lawyer, I am excited to work with non-traditional families. This article, “Poly and Queer 101,” is the first in a multi-part series designed to educate folks on the basics of legal protections for polyamorous and consensually non-monogamous (CNM) people in Massachusetts. Clear definitions are key to a successful conversation, so we will begin with answering a few questions and establishing some common terms used by the CNM community and by the queer community.
→What does “polyamory” even mean? Is it the same as polygamy?
Great question! Polygamy historically refers to marriage, and more specifically it typically denotes a man who has marriages to multiple women. Since Reynolds v. United States, 98 U.S. 145 (1879), the U.S. has widely disallowed legal marriages between more than two people. Polyamory, by contrast, uses Latin and Greek root words to describe “many love,” or a partnership with more than two people. See the definitions below for more detail.
ENM/CNM: ENM stands for “ethical non-monogamy” and CNM stands for “consensual non-monogamy.” Both of these terms, used interchangeably in the community, describe a relationship style where all participants informedly and enthusiastically consent to a relationship with more than one partner.
Polyamory: a subset of ENM or CNM. Polyamory is to CNM as a square is to a rectangle: all polyamorous relationships are consensually non-monogamous, but the reverse is not true. Polyamory is a distinct type of consensually non-monogamous relationship where people typically commit to and engage in romantic love, and intimacy with multiple partners.
Polycule: the CNM version of “couple.” Polycule describes the relationship unit, comprising all partners and metamours (defined below). To illustrate: Aspen is dating Birch and Cherry. Aspen, Birch, and Cherry are all members of the same polycule.
Metamour (or “meta” for short): a gender-neutral version of “girlfriend-in-law.” To illustrate: Aspen and Birch are ethically non-monogamous. Aspen is dating Birch, and Aspen is also dating Cherry. Birch and Cherry do not date, but they are members of the same polycule. Because they have a partner in common, Birch and Cherry are metamours.
→How prevalent is this lifestyle anyway?
Studies show that, for Americans, practicing polyamory is even more common than being queer. One study found that 1 out of 6 people (16.8%) desire to engage in polyamory, and at least 1 out of 9 people (10.7%) have engaged in polyamory at some point during their life. Research shows that roughly 1 in 14 people (7.1%) in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or something other than heterosexual.
→What is that long acronym y’all use?
LGBTIAQ2S+ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Asexual, Queer/Questioning, Two Spirit, plus. The plus is a sort-of catch-all which acknowledges the fluidity of these identities and the ineptitude of the acronym to encompass all queer identities.
→Why do you keep saying “queer”? Isn’t that offensive?
Folks in the queer community have reclaimed the word “queer,” which used to be exclusively a slur lobbed against us, as the shorter catch-all moniker. We have all experienced oppression for our non-traditional lifestyles and identities, and we recognize that standing united under a broad label is a strong expression of our solidarity with each other. “Queer” denotes anyone who does not conform to society’s rigid gender, sexuality, and relationship norms.
DangerLaw, LLC and Protecting Your Rights in a Nontraditional Relationship
Every person has the right to choose the relationship and family style that is right for them. However, it is extremely important to remember that there are rights and benefits afforded to those in a legal marriage that are not guaranteed to those in other relationship scenarios, such as domestic partnerships or other romantic or platonic arrangements. Experts strongly encourage individuals in nontraditional relationships or families to research their legal options. Cohabitation agreements, co-ownership agreements, premarital or marital agreements, support agreements, and estate planning documents can be used to spell out your rights in a relationship. Browse the DangerLaw blog for articles on these and other options.
Whether your family is consensually non-monogamous or queer, both of these communities find solidarity in being non-traditional. The law does not always contemplate the specific issues faced by non-traditional families, but at DangerLaw, LLC, that is our specialty. Non-traditional families benefit most from the empathy and experience of practitioners like the lawyers at DangerLaw, LLC. We seek creative solutions that empower our clients and protect their rights to the fullest extent possible. We have decades of experience being and serving the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer families of Massachusetts and we would love to hear how we can serve you too. You can reach us via email (attorney@dangerlaw.com), phone (617-340-3231), or mail/in person at 383 Elliot Street, Suite 10, Newton Upper Falls, MA 02464.
If you’d like to see a blog post discussing more esoteric polyamorous terms (such as kitchen table polyamory, parallel poly, relationship anarchy and more), please email me at marie@dangerlaw.com